Most of us know the story of the giving tree. ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Giving_Tree ) The story of a sentient tree who gives and gives and gives until there is literally nothing left but a stump. Even though there is nothing left to give the boy still uses the tree and the tree gives it willingly. I never liked this story. I felt like it told of greed on the side of the little boy and unabashed self destruction on the side of the tree.
The love the tree shows the boy is amazing, deep and beautiful. True commitment. However I never felt the boy loved the tree back for everything the tree did. What was the boy doing to help the tree? Take. Take Take.
I mentioned in the earlier post that I am now Pregnant! Yay! Right? I should be ecstatic since it took us 10 months, two heartbreaks and one surgery to get to a successful healthy bundle of joy growing inside me. Saying that I am unhappy that I am pregnant wouldn't be a lie. I don't know how single mothers do this alone. They have my awe and respect because this is hard. Saying I don't want this child is a flat out lie. I want this, I just wish the timing was better.
When I started this process with my dear husband it was supposed to be a Team thing, Him and me working together to build this family. I'm 30+ weeks pregnant with a healthy baby and I feel like the giving tree. I've relinquished so much that I feel like the stump at the end with nothing left to give.
I've spent most of this pregnancy dealing with my issues (I'm a micromanager and don't handle stress well) and minor pregnancy scares on my own. I have dealt with most them by myself so he can concentrate on his new business. I don't want to distract him or pull him away because he has employees who are counting on him. I stop in every few days or so to get a hug and kiss and to help where I can. Some days I just need to remind myself that I am loved and he loves me very very much.
I miss him so much it hurts. And I do hold a bit of resentment towards the situation as a whole. I wish I could do more. I wish he had the assistance he needs to come home. I wish . I wish. I wish. Yet at the end of the day I know that the reason he became so dedicated and motivated to complete this business is because of the pressure on him due to the pregnancy.
He is working so hard to build a business from the ground up for us. It's not his first time being in a start up so it's not like he is clueless. Part of what consumes his time is that he wants to have this business succeed to it's fullest. To be a business that does right by it's employees. Paying a living wage, providing insurance for full time employees. All the things he believes to be wrong with other companies. To accomplish that goal sacrifices have to be made, in time and money. Financially they are okay, not good, not bad but there is so much more room to prosper and he knows it.
So that leaves time. When he started this business it was supposed to be a team thing. He took the leaders role, as it was his idea and he was willing to make all the sacrifices if needs be. Knowing at the start that it would have damaging effects on our marriage. I don't believe he realized at the start how much of a sacrifice it was going to be. Or how much he would be needed to take on. He has three partners in this but each of them for differing reasons either can't or is paying dues in a different manor.
So that leaves everything resting on my husbands shoulders to not just provide for our family, but for the rest of his employees as well. He is noble, kind and knows what it's like to have a boss who isn't driven and watch as the company falls due to that lack.
And before you get mad at him for ignoring his wife, or me for complaining know that neither of us like this situation. However it is what we have to deal with so we are dealing with it. Both of us are giving trees in this. He is giving all his time and effort to make a life for us. To build a self sufficient company that will help others LIVE. I am giving all I can to support him while he works so hard. I work 40 hours a week then go home and am growing a baby inside me. That's two jobs, both of which are exhausting in their own way. Then I push just a bit more to support him when I have that tid bit of left over energy.
It's not healthy for either of us to be giving so much for something that may not succeed. However it has taught us many things. My husband has become more focused and dedicated. From what I can see he has learned how important the little things are in life. That having even a moment to sit down, cuddle and talk can do wonders for a marriage. And that sometimes in business you have to piss someone off because it's the best option for the company.
I have learned to let go. Some things in life you can change and some you can't and I shouldn't stress out about them. I know he will be there when I need him to be and have forgiven myself for not being able to help him. I'm still learning how to support him and we are working slowly forward. I miss him, but he isn't gone. He's ever present thinking of me as much as I am thinking of him.
