Eight years ago I lost my Oma. She died in her sleep crowned Valentine's Day Queen at her nursing home. She won the game a bingo that night she left for a better place. I'm Catholic so I believe she is either with God, or working on her way to his side.
I miss her dearly, but I know she gave up on life and let her sickness take her. I always saw a light and strength in her. Even though she was constantly sick, in and out of the hospital, there was never a time where she wasn't strong enough to fight it. She had been sick since I was a little girl and on February 15th 2008 she didn't wake up.
My Opa, her husband, had just been diagnosed with esophageal cancer. My Aunt works (if I'm not terribly forgetful) in one of the top cancer hospitals in Houston, TX, so we knew it was a deadly and difficult cancer to treat. My mother told him not to tell Oma until she had recovered from her latest trip into the hospital.
I remember he came up to visit us in Omaha to take a break from the stress and be around his oldest grand-kids. And she passed away while he was with us. He confessed in tears that he told her before he left. I don't know if it was the news that broke her will or if God was just ready to take her. No one told me anything besides "she was sick and passed away in her sleep". Oma was always sick, we joked that she played Cribbage with Death.
I think it was my Opa telling her he was die-ing, and that he had lost the will to survive through the cancer. He was just so tired. So I can understand why this last time she threw the game with Death. Mind you she never threw a game of cribbage in her life, even to her 10 year old granddaughter who was just learning the game.
Her job as a Catholic wife was nearly complete, get your husband to heaven. (Technically it's the job of both spouses to get each other to heaven, to work together to better themselves but that's not the point of this blog.) She died first and left him to be a miserable grump with cancer.
Over some scotch as he sat in my Aunt's living room before the viewing I told him he wasn't allowed to die. He was going to fight the cancer and try to live. I don't remember my exact words but I remember telling him he wasn't allowed to die until I made him a Great-Grandpa. To me he seemed both upset and yet happy with this.
My Opa survived the treatment. His heart was broken but the hard to remove cancer was cleared up. He became morbid and more grumpy than before. Saying he wanted to die. No one was happy with this. However whenever I called I would remind him, not to give up until after he was a Great-Grandpa.
5 years after Oma passed away he came to my wedding he was smiling. I danced with him and again reminded him the promise I made Oma. My first daughter would be named after the wonderful child they lost. I reminded him he wasn't allowed to give up on life until after his great-grandchild was born.
It's been 3 years and he seems to me to be a happier person. Lonely and still the ole sour puss he always was, but he's going to be a great-grandpa. I don't know if I am pregnant with a boy or girl. But the name Lillian has always been and will be the name of my first baby girl.
I've treasured that name in secret because I know how much it hurts my mother and her sisters. My mother tried so much to get me to change the name. However Oma wanted there to be joy with that name. So for my Aunt Lillian, whom I never met, and for my Oma and Opa, to whom the death hurt the most, for my mother and aunt who get sad looks when they think of her. I will bring joy back to the name, Lillian.
I made a promise and I will keep it.
Wednesday 17 February 2016
Monday 15 February 2016
Married to an Entrepreneur 2: Intro/Ramble
So Hubby Dearest is one of those people who both wants to
and has the drive to start and run a business. He’s not like me who is comfortable
riding the slow escalator of life upwards. This man is crazy and takes the
stairs, sometimes 4 at a time. All while knowing that sometimes the stairs he takes dead ends and he
has to start all over again. As I mentioned before, he’s crazy and
driven and loves doing it.
This however is something that I love and drives me nuts. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t handle
my stress well. I have many bad habits
that stem from the stress issue. I eat my emotions. Wear my stress on my back and shoulders. I’m surprised I haven’t
broken something back there. I worry about inane things and nit pick all the time. (I'm getting better but they are still bad habits.)
Okay, intro done.
Last week Hubby started a regular mundane job to bring money into the household. I work but I don't make enough to pay all of our bills and his new business make enough to pay it's bills but not enough to bring anything to us. I am glad he is doing this, however it means he is sacrificing at least 8 hours a day on a company that is not his own. Which in his mind calculates to lost time, money and effort.
My crazy Hubby is going to continue working hard until this business is self sufficient. I am just ready for this hard part to be over. I know it is "supposed to be worth it in the future". However I am not they type of person to bet one thing now for a potential gain in the future. I don't take risks I don't think are necessary, which is why I find comfort in the mundane job he has taken on.
Risks are necessary in entrepreneurial adventures. It's just a part of the flow. If a business is still open after the first year, a good portion of their problems have been overcome. A Forbes article from 2013 states that "8 out of 10 entrepreneurs who start businesses fail within the first 18 months." (Link to Article) However a newer article from 2014 on LinkedIn says the number is closer to 50% survivability over 5 years. (Linked Link).
You can choose your preferred statistic but both make me feel uncomfortable. I am just hoping for the best while trying to support him as much as I can. Opening a new business is not easy. And one with competition is harder. However at least this business isn't in our old industry of Oil and Gas that is currently crashing and continuing to do so.
Last week Hubby started a regular mundane job to bring money into the household. I work but I don't make enough to pay all of our bills and his new business make enough to pay it's bills but not enough to bring anything to us. I am glad he is doing this, however it means he is sacrificing at least 8 hours a day on a company that is not his own. Which in his mind calculates to lost time, money and effort.
My crazy Hubby is going to continue working hard until this business is self sufficient. I am just ready for this hard part to be over. I know it is "supposed to be worth it in the future". However I am not they type of person to bet one thing now for a potential gain in the future. I don't take risks I don't think are necessary, which is why I find comfort in the mundane job he has taken on.
Risks are necessary in entrepreneurial adventures. It's just a part of the flow. If a business is still open after the first year, a good portion of their problems have been overcome. A Forbes article from 2013 states that "8 out of 10 entrepreneurs who start businesses fail within the first 18 months." (Link to Article) However a newer article from 2014 on LinkedIn says the number is closer to 50% survivability over 5 years. (Linked Link).
You can choose your preferred statistic but both make me feel uncomfortable. I am just hoping for the best while trying to support him as much as I can. Opening a new business is not easy. And one with competition is harder. However at least this business isn't in our old industry of Oil and Gas that is currently crashing and continuing to do so.
Tuesday 2 February 2016
Married to an Entrepreneur 1: The Giving Tree
Most of us know the story of the giving tree. ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Giving_Tree ) The story of a sentient tree who gives and gives and gives until there is literally nothing left but a stump. Even though there is nothing left to give the boy still uses the tree and the tree gives it willingly. I never liked this story. I felt like it told of greed on the side of the little boy and unabashed self destruction on the side of the tree.
The love the tree shows the boy is amazing, deep and beautiful. True commitment. However I never felt the boy loved the tree back for everything the tree did. What was the boy doing to help the tree? Take. Take Take.
I mentioned in the earlier post that I am now Pregnant! Yay! Right? I should be ecstatic since it took us 10 months, two heartbreaks and one surgery to get to a successful healthy bundle of joy growing inside me. Saying that I am unhappy that I am pregnant wouldn't be a lie. I don't know how single mothers do this alone. They have my awe and respect because this is hard. Saying I don't want this child is a flat out lie. I want this, I just wish the timing was better.
When I started this process with my dear husband it was supposed to be a Team thing, Him and me working together to build this family. I'm 30+ weeks pregnant with a healthy baby and I feel like the giving tree. I've relinquished so much that I feel like the stump at the end with nothing left to give.
I've spent most of this pregnancy dealing with my issues (I'm a micromanager and don't handle stress well) and minor pregnancy scares on my own. I have dealt with most them by myself so he can concentrate on his new business. I don't want to distract him or pull him away because he has employees who are counting on him. I stop in every few days or so to get a hug and kiss and to help where I can. Some days I just need to remind myself that I am loved and he loves me very very much.
I miss him so much it hurts. And I do hold a bit of resentment towards the situation as a whole. I wish I could do more. I wish he had the assistance he needs to come home. I wish . I wish. I wish. Yet at the end of the day I know that the reason he became so dedicated and motivated to complete this business is because of the pressure on him due to the pregnancy.
He is working so hard to build a business from the ground up for us. It's not his first time being in a start up so it's not like he is clueless. Part of what consumes his time is that he wants to have this business succeed to it's fullest. To be a business that does right by it's employees. Paying a living wage, providing insurance for full time employees. All the things he believes to be wrong with other companies. To accomplish that goal sacrifices have to be made, in time and money. Financially they are okay, not good, not bad but there is so much more room to prosper and he knows it.
So that leaves time. When he started this business it was supposed to be a team thing. He took the leaders role, as it was his idea and he was willing to make all the sacrifices if needs be. Knowing at the start that it would have damaging effects on our marriage. I don't believe he realized at the start how much of a sacrifice it was going to be. Or how much he would be needed to take on. He has three partners in this but each of them for differing reasons either can't or is paying dues in a different manor.
So that leaves everything resting on my husbands shoulders to not just provide for our family, but for the rest of his employees as well. He is noble, kind and knows what it's like to have a boss who isn't driven and watch as the company falls due to that lack.
And before you get mad at him for ignoring his wife, or me for complaining know that neither of us like this situation. However it is what we have to deal with so we are dealing with it. Both of us are giving trees in this. He is giving all his time and effort to make a life for us. To build a self sufficient company that will help others LIVE. I am giving all I can to support him while he works so hard. I work 40 hours a week then go home and am growing a baby inside me. That's two jobs, both of which are exhausting in their own way. Then I push just a bit more to support him when I have that tid bit of left over energy.
It's not healthy for either of us to be giving so much for something that may not succeed. However it has taught us many things. My husband has become more focused and dedicated. From what I can see he has learned how important the little things are in life. That having even a moment to sit down, cuddle and talk can do wonders for a marriage. And that sometimes in business you have to piss someone off because it's the best option for the company.
I have learned to let go. Some things in life you can change and some you can't and I shouldn't stress out about them. I know he will be there when I need him to be and have forgiven myself for not being able to help him. I'm still learning how to support him and we are working slowly forward. I miss him, but he isn't gone. He's ever present thinking of me as much as I am thinking of him.
The love the tree shows the boy is amazing, deep and beautiful. True commitment. However I never felt the boy loved the tree back for everything the tree did. What was the boy doing to help the tree? Take. Take Take.
I mentioned in the earlier post that I am now Pregnant! Yay! Right? I should be ecstatic since it took us 10 months, two heartbreaks and one surgery to get to a successful healthy bundle of joy growing inside me. Saying that I am unhappy that I am pregnant wouldn't be a lie. I don't know how single mothers do this alone. They have my awe and respect because this is hard. Saying I don't want this child is a flat out lie. I want this, I just wish the timing was better.
When I started this process with my dear husband it was supposed to be a Team thing, Him and me working together to build this family. I'm 30+ weeks pregnant with a healthy baby and I feel like the giving tree. I've relinquished so much that I feel like the stump at the end with nothing left to give.
I've spent most of this pregnancy dealing with my issues (I'm a micromanager and don't handle stress well) and minor pregnancy scares on my own. I have dealt with most them by myself so he can concentrate on his new business. I don't want to distract him or pull him away because he has employees who are counting on him. I stop in every few days or so to get a hug and kiss and to help where I can. Some days I just need to remind myself that I am loved and he loves me very very much.
I miss him so much it hurts. And I do hold a bit of resentment towards the situation as a whole. I wish I could do more. I wish he had the assistance he needs to come home. I wish . I wish. I wish. Yet at the end of the day I know that the reason he became so dedicated and motivated to complete this business is because of the pressure on him due to the pregnancy.
He is working so hard to build a business from the ground up for us. It's not his first time being in a start up so it's not like he is clueless. Part of what consumes his time is that he wants to have this business succeed to it's fullest. To be a business that does right by it's employees. Paying a living wage, providing insurance for full time employees. All the things he believes to be wrong with other companies. To accomplish that goal sacrifices have to be made, in time and money. Financially they are okay, not good, not bad but there is so much more room to prosper and he knows it.
So that leaves time. When he started this business it was supposed to be a team thing. He took the leaders role, as it was his idea and he was willing to make all the sacrifices if needs be. Knowing at the start that it would have damaging effects on our marriage. I don't believe he realized at the start how much of a sacrifice it was going to be. Or how much he would be needed to take on. He has three partners in this but each of them for differing reasons either can't or is paying dues in a different manor.
So that leaves everything resting on my husbands shoulders to not just provide for our family, but for the rest of his employees as well. He is noble, kind and knows what it's like to have a boss who isn't driven and watch as the company falls due to that lack.
And before you get mad at him for ignoring his wife, or me for complaining know that neither of us like this situation. However it is what we have to deal with so we are dealing with it. Both of us are giving trees in this. He is giving all his time and effort to make a life for us. To build a self sufficient company that will help others LIVE. I am giving all I can to support him while he works so hard. I work 40 hours a week then go home and am growing a baby inside me. That's two jobs, both of which are exhausting in their own way. Then I push just a bit more to support him when I have that tid bit of left over energy.
It's not healthy for either of us to be giving so much for something that may not succeed. However it has taught us many things. My husband has become more focused and dedicated. From what I can see he has learned how important the little things are in life. That having even a moment to sit down, cuddle and talk can do wonders for a marriage. And that sometimes in business you have to piss someone off because it's the best option for the company.
I have learned to let go. Some things in life you can change and some you can't and I shouldn't stress out about them. I know he will be there when I need him to be and have forgiven myself for not being able to help him. I'm still learning how to support him and we are working slowly forward. I miss him, but he isn't gone. He's ever present thinking of me as much as I am thinking of him.
Wednesday 20 January 2016
So that thing I do....
It's been well over a year since I have written. And surprise surprise I am planning on changing the direction of this blog.
To update:
I have not really LARPed since October of 2014 so there isn't much to catch you up on that front. I am however working with a friend to start back up our local Heroic Austin chapter. So there is some good news.
On the book front, I have read (read that as listened to the audio book) many new books. This has added a few new authors to my follow relentlessly list so I should write some reviews on those. (when i'm not being a lazy sod)
I haven't really made anything. Mostly due to exhaustion, depression, lack of money, having moved and now being pregnant. Which brings me to the next part.
How I am changing this blog:
Mostly it was just on my hobbies and books and things but now that I am preggerz I will be adding the Little One to the topics. Most in regards to the items and electronics I am buying for little Fidget in preparation for the arrival in April 2016.
To update:
I have not really LARPed since October of 2014 so there isn't much to catch you up on that front. I am however working with a friend to start back up our local Heroic Austin chapter. So there is some good news.
On the book front, I have read (read that as listened to the audio book) many new books. This has added a few new authors to my follow relentlessly list so I should write some reviews on those. (when i'm not being a lazy sod)
I haven't really made anything. Mostly due to exhaustion, depression, lack of money, having moved and now being pregnant. Which brings me to the next part.
How I am changing this blog:
Mostly it was just on my hobbies and books and things but now that I am preggerz I will be adding the Little One to the topics. Most in regards to the items and electronics I am buying for little Fidget in preparation for the arrival in April 2016.
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